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Zim Tzu doesn’t play percentages

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The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

Eric Thompson

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

Warrior poets don’t have time for deep, philosophical conversations once they’re in the maelstrom of conflict. You need accurate information, the lay of the land, and then you must make a decision. Good or bad, decisions must be made, because indecision is certain death. Good decisions could still end up with a bad result, for a number of reasons. Poor execution, faulty equipment, any number of things. But at least you give yourself the best chance of success.

And bad decisions? Bad decisions are more than likely going to result in your demise, but fuck it, at least go out with your boots on. And sometimes, even a bad decision can turn out okay with a stroke of luck, or poor execution of your adversary. And when that happens you feel invincible. Glory or death, bay.

Glory or death. Pain is temporary, chicks dig scars, but glory is forever. Unless you really fuck things up and lose, then you’re just a loser looking for answers, and you vow to not fuck things up like that again.

Because you are Zim Tzu, Scalper of the Capital, True King Of The Jungle, Potentate Of Those Who Eat Feces, The Biggest Apple, Commodore Of Outlaw Sailors, Master Falconer, The Once And Future King In The North, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.

And when you need to explain setbacks, you’ll need help discussing things, because the proletariat has no concept of the shit you’ve gone through, man. None. So you need someone* to take your words and turn them into language that folks understand.**

You’re welcome.***

*Look, you don’t need anyone to help you figure this out. You’re a Vikings fan. Just shut up, drink, and bury those goddamn feelings.

**This whole post is incomprehensible bullshit. All the answers are made up, by me, because I need an outlet to vent and meth, apparently, is frowned upon in my house.

***Seriously, enjoy. Glad you guys like these remarkably bad interpretations of Zimmer’s press conferences.

As usual, Zim Tzu had an opening statement:

What Zim Tzu said: Okay, tough loss yesterday, losing at the buzzer like that. It was a game of big plays. They made more big plays than we did. When you look at the third downs, we had seven that were third-and-8-plus. They had six that were third-and-3 or less. We’ve got the ball up 23-20 with seven minutes left. We have a three and out and then it’s 23-all with two minutes and 30 seconds left and we go backwards. Then we get two sacks on defense where the ball comes out, and we don’t get either one of them. We’ll move forward. It’s not the end of the world. Getting ready to go play Dallas, good football team, and play a little bit better.

What Zim Tzu meant: FUCK THAT SUCKED TO LOSE LIKE THAT! FUCKIN’ BACKUP QUARTERBACK! STUPID FUCKIN’ PUNT! WHY DID I CALL THAT STUPID FUCKIN’ TIMEOUT? FUUUUUUUUUUCK! Fuck Dallas and that Gilded Age fucking stadium they play in. Jerry Jones is herpes with gray hair. Fuck.

Q: Kirk Cousins mentioned yesterday that he liked the menu of short yardage plays on third down, but that the team was never able to use them. What do you attribute that to?

What Zim Tzu said: We weren’t good on first and second, it’s pretty simple. In the running game, we didn’t establish a running game enough. We didn’t get as much movement on them as we had hoped, and we didn’t finish blocks. That was part of it. Like he said yesterday, he missed some throws.

What Zim Tzu meant: You know, when you have kids and they’re being a bunch of little fucking demon spawns, sometimes you need to give them an incentive to stop being little bastards. ‘Hey kids, if you stop being little fuckberries RIGHT NOW and go CLEAN YOUR FUCKING ROOM, we’ll go out to dinner.’ Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.

When it doesn’t work, your kids are still being assholes, you’re out of ideas, and now NO ONE IS GETTING ANY OF THOSE DELICIOUS HOT FRIES FROM MCDONALDS. It just ends up being a day when no one does anything right, and once those little piles of dogshit are in bed you vow to try to be better tomorrow, But fuck today, man. 24 hours of my life that’s gone that won’t come back.

Q: Why do you think the running game wasn’t able to get going?

What Zim Tzu said: We had some miscommunication in there. We went to the wrong guy a couple times. We overthought it. Like I say, we didn’t finish well enough. There was a bunch of times we were on a guy and we didn’t finish and he came off and made tackles. We need to finish better. And the other thing, then we talk about we get a great punt down in there inside the 10-yard line and we give up a 90-yard touchdown. At the end of the game, we get a bad punt and they get great field position to kick the field goal, so that’s the other part of it.

What Zim Tzu meant: We were so smart we were fucking stupid. Stupid fucking 90 yard run.

Q: Is it more frustrating that it was little things in all phases that let you down against Kansas City?

What Zim Tzu said: There’s some parts of the game we played really well. The deep ball on (Trae) Waynes, he’s got the guy covered and he lets the guys catch the ball. The double move he got beat on wasn’t good. It’s things like that. When we’re in position, we have to make those plays.

What Zim Tzu meant: Trae Waynes was so bad it was good. LOL just kidding he sucked, just like everyone else on the defense for the most part.

Q: You mentioned that you got away from the run in the first half?

What Zim Tzu said: I thought we threw the ball a lot early. I didn’t mean we got away from the run. We went two-and-out the first three series. Talk about starting fast, we go first three incomplete passes.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well, we actually got away from what we like to call in this business ‘good’, especially early on. Why in the hell would we even THINK about using the NFL’s leading rusher against the 30th ranked run defense in the NFL? Just idiotic to even consider.

Q: The first three incomplete passes were just not good passes. It looked like that may have worked?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, maybe. If we had thrown them better, caught them better.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, they would have worked great if we had the Jolly Green Fucking Giant split wide or slipping out of the backfield, because that’s the only sumbitch that could have caught those throws.

Q: Kirk Cousins talked yesterday about not getting his hips flipped a few times. As you looked at his mechanics, did you see anything there?

What Zim Tzu said: It’s just footwork.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, he couldn’t flip his hips because he was too busy getting fucked by Pat Elflein’s blocking.

Q: What’s your sense of how long Adam Thielen could be out?

What Zim Tzu said: I’m not sure, honestly. Whenever the doctors say he’s ready, then he’s ready.

What Zim Tzu meant: Oh, this fucking thing will linger well into 2023.

Q: Is there a fear it could be like Dalvin Cook’s lingering hamstring issue from last season?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, they’re all different. It really wasn’t a bad hamstring when he first hurt it. Obviously, we MRI him and do all those things. It really wasn’t a bad grade.

What Zim Tzu meant: Hamstrings are all the same. They linger like the last guests at a house party who won’t fucking leave. You literally fell asleep in your goddamn chair, woke up to realize your wife went to bed an hour ago, and holy fuck they just won’t take the hint. Goddamn man, I cannot deal and I need a drink but I am out of booze, which is a miracle because I bought half the liquor store for this party. Get the fuck out of here. But no, Karen just won’t shut the fuck up about whatever it is Karen won’t shut the fuck up about. I hate you Karen, and I hope you get in a car accident. But to do so you must first GO THE FUCK HOME. Yeah, that’s how long this is going to linger.

Q: You’ve been faced with a number of fourth-and-one decisions in the past few weeks. What goes into making that decision quickly?

What Zim Tzu said: Part of it is the team. There’s a lot things, really. The team that we’re playing, how we’re playing the game, field conditions, the wind. Do I feel like we need to score more points? There’s a lot of situations. Do we want to play field position?

What Zim Tzu meant: I have no fucking idea what I’m doing on 4th and 1 anymore. None.

Q: Is there an analytical element to it, or mostly instinct?

What Zim Tzu said: Well analytics says go for it. But I don’t go by that, though.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck playing to win. Let’s ride the goddamn lightning and play not to lose and keep everyone on the edge of their seat.

Q: Kirk Cousins was zero-for-nine under duress yesterday, one of the worst marks of his career. What was different, considering he’s been pressured before?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. It’s hard for me to remember all those nine plays that you are talking about. He missed some throws. It’s not the end of the world, we’ll be alright.

What Zim Tzu meant: It was against a good team, that’s why.

Q: On the final two drives, was pressure a factor in not having success?

What Zim Tzu said: I happened to watch Kirk’s press conference after the game, and he gave up way too much information. But basically, one of the screens, they were in man coverage and they covered it, so we ended up losing like four yards. We had another play called that we could have checked out of. So there was a bunch of different things.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yes, line sucked, Stevie Wonder would have been more accurate throwing the ball, and Kirk needs to shut the fuck up.

Q: On Kansas City’s 91-yard touchdown run, was it just a perfect storm?

What Zim Tzu said: They caught us a little bit. We were running a pressure, and one guy got down too far and one guy was too wide. Then we had a guy covering the guy that was running the flash man-to-man, and he overshot it so he missed the tackle, and then the safety missed the tackle. I don’t know that I’ve ever given up a run that long in my life.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, a perfect shit storm is what it was.

Q: How did you assess the offensive line’s performance in the run game?

What Zim Tzu said: Some guys did good, and some guys should have done better. Every play, somebody is doing good and somebody is doing not as good, so I mean there’s lots of times were we might have had them blocked at the point of attack and we didn’t get to the backside, or vice versa.

What Zim Tzu meant: LOL kinda sucked all day.

Q: Especially early on, it looked like Kansas City was in good position on Kirk’s short throws to the flat. Did you see anything that they were doing specifically?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but they did a good job in coverage.

What Zim Tzu meant: Watch film? Fuck that. Adjust to what the defense is doing? Fuck that, too.

Q: Do you think Josh Doctson could help you out this Sunday?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know, I’ll have to see this week.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, two first round busts will most definitely fill the void of an All Pro wide receiver and his mangled hamstring. Full of fucking confidence moving forward with Frik and Frak, we are.