The Minnesota Vikings have solved their thorny kicking issues once and for all, just days before rosters must be cut down to 53 players. GM Rick Spielman made the announcement in a hastily called press conference just a few minutes ago.
“The Minnesota Vikings are pleased to announce that was have purchased the ‘Super Toe’ game for $59 off of e-Baby, and Super Toe will be our new kicker moving forward. Although we appreciate the efforts of Dan Bailey, Kaare Vedvik, Daniel Carlson, Kai Forbath, Blair Walsh, some dude from section 149 who we tried out in week 14 a few years back, and Girl Scout Troop 277 in Richfield, we feel that it was time for this organization to address the kicking issue once and for all.”
“This is a decision we don’t take lightly,” Spielman continued. “But after consulting with our analytics department, we felt the only way we could guarantee a successful kicking game was to remove the human element from the equation. The problem with human kickers is that they rely on a holder, and we apparently can’t make up our minds on one of those, either. Secondly, kickers overthink things too much, way too much. Blair Walsh used to take 25 minutes on what game jersey he was going to wear, the home purple or the road white. We told him it was mandated by the league, and he had no choice. He had to come to the decision on his own, though, or it would mess up his Chi, or whatever the hell. Kickers, man.
We have also decided to not use a holder, because they’re all terrible, and we can further remove one more human element of the game. With Super Toe, all you do is place the ball in front of the foot, slap down on his head, and boom, three points. It’s really quite remarkable how automatic this guy is. I played this when I was a kid and he never missed, ever. Used to kick the hell out of my brother Chris playing this game. It’s one of the reasons he quit playing offense and became a linebacker.
Also, Super Toe comes with not one, but two big, outsized balls. I mean look at these things, they’re disproportionately enormous. Having a kicker with two gargantuan balls can’t be overstated enough in today’s NFL.
This also really helps out our current Salary Cap situation, as we now have approximately $175 in new money to be able to sign a wide receiver to not suck as bad as the current guys we’re currently carrying behind Adam Thielen and Stefon Diggs. This is a win-win for the entire organization.”
When asked about the durability of a plastic toy last built in the 1970’s, Spielman quickly threw back a curtain behind the stage, revealing another 100 game boxes.
“We’ve fully thought this one out. We have backups, and more backups, and backups to the backups. Our organization has scoured the Internet, and we believe we have purchased every remaining Super Toe game in the world. We have more kicking Fail Safe controls in place now than America’s nuclear arsenal, and we have no concerns. We are done with human kickers, finished. I, for one, welcome my plastic, diminutive, kicking overlord.”
When it was suggested that Super Toe kicks plastic footballs at a max 10-15 feet, and not real footballs, Spielman quickly cut off the reporter before the question could be finished.
“Is that really worse than what we’ve seen around here the past four or five years? Is it, Tomasson? I’ve HAD IT WITH THIS KICKING BULLSHIT! WHEN SUPER TOE KICKS THE GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL IN THE SUPER BOWL YOU WILL BUILD STATUES TO HIM! DO YOU HEAR ME??? STATUES!!! PLASTIC STATUES!! AND ONE FOR ME, TOO!! I WANT A STATUE!!! A REAL BRONZE ONE!!”
Spielman quickly left the stage and took no further questions from assembled media. Shortly afterward, from the general area of the Vikings executive offices, you could hear the sound of a plastic toe hitting a plastic football, and then someone yelling IT’S GOOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IT’S GOOD, IT’S SO GOOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WE WIN THE SUPER BOWL...yelling to no one, yet everyone.