ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When a warrior poet formulates a modern combined arms plan, everything is taken into consideration. One must determine where the ground assault will come from, and how the air assault will support the ground effort. One must also figure out lines of defense, in case things falter and your attack doesn’t go as plan. And even on a day when nothing seems to be going right, you can still rally your forces for one final push...and then the radios don’t work, no one can communicate, and it all falls apart. But you’ll put Humpty Dumpty back together.
Because you are Zim Tzu, Master Falconer, The Once And Future King In The North, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And after such a disappointing setback, you must regroup, refocus, and ready your troops to jump once more into the breach. And you must also explain what happened, and how it won’t ever happen again. So that’s where we come in, gentle reader. We here at The Daily Norseman want to help you help yourself*, so we take Mike Zimmer’s weekly press conference, interpret it**, and give the true meaning behind his words.*** It’s not so much a labor of love as it is ludicrous bullshit. And it IS, in fact, ludicrous bullshit.
*LOL I can’t even help me so you’re on your own buddy.
**By ‘interpret’, I mean ‘literally make shit up out of the blue’.
***Life has no meaning. It’s all pointless. Like this column.
As is usually the case, Zim Tzu had an opening statement:
What Zim Tzu said: After looking at the film, there were some good things, obviously some bad things. We started out poorly defensively but we fought back, had a chance to win the football game. We made too many mistakes, had some bad penalties and we have to make those corrections, get them corrected fast and then move forward. Home game this week and time to get back with it, which we will.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah that was mostly fucked up. Couldn’t get out of our own way, penalties are fucking stupid, and I will run my boot up everyone’s ass this week to fix it.
Q: What did you mean by you need to keep coaching Kirk Cousins the way you want him to play?
What Zim Tzu said: I just think play within himself as far as if the play’s not there, throw the ball away. He knows that. It’s not anything different than anything. I think, like every position, we’re coaching the heck out of him and trying to do the same thing with the offensive line and receivers and DB’s and everybody else.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well I guess when you’ve been in the league eight years you need to be told ‘don’t throw a fucking pick in the end zone when you have a chance to take the fucking lead even after we’ve played like ass on both sides of the ball for a good part of the game.’
Q: How do you evaluate where the offense is at in terms of the running game being where it’s at and yesterday Kirk Cousins saying the passing game needs to be better?
What Zim Tzu said: I do think the running game is good. I think Dalvin Cook is tremendous, the things that he’s doing. The way that we’re blocking with the offensive line. There were some really good things in the passing game, the deep ball to (Stefon) Diggs. He made some really good throws and then he missed some. Sometimes that’s going to happen, but we’ll continue to work on it and make sure the receivers and quarterback and everybody else is on the same page. There was some miscommunication there yesterday.
What Zim Tzu meant: Dalvin Cook is unstoppable right now. The passing game is eminently stoppable right now.
Q: Do you believe the production with Dalvin Cook is sustainable beyond these two games?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. I think (Alexander) Mattison went in there and ran the ball four times for 25 yards or something. He ran the ball pretty good as well. Each game will be different, like I said before, we’ll just have to see where it goes off that. (Dalvin) Cook is running extremely hard, physicality, breaking tackles. I think the offensive line is doing a good job with him and the tight ends have being doing a pretty decent job blocking the edges.
What Zim Tzu meant: It fuckin’ better be.
Q: In terms of Kirk Cousins’ accuracy, how do you put a finger on his game yesterday after watching the film?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, he can do better.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, after the game I took my finger, plus my other nine fingers, wrapped them around his fucking neck, and choked him until his face was as purple as Violet Beauregarde from that fucking Wonka movie. It was pretty cool. Kirk won’t fuck up like that again.
Q: What were some of the problems? Was there miscommunication?
What Zim Tzu said: Some, yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: So yeah, shit went south with him and the passing game faster than a typical office trying to figure out where the fuck they want to go for lunch. Susan wants a salad because she’s a goddamn communist. Bob and Frank want a Chinese buffet, but if anyone could stand to miss a meal or two it’s Bob and Frank, and watching those to saunter in to a buffet is fucking nightmare fuel. Karen is ‘feeling like a burger but yanno I’m good with whatever.’ Only Karen isn’t good with whatever, and is going to sabotage every option thrown out within a 40 mile radius that isn’t a Wendy’s or McDonald’s. And before you know it, you’ve spent your entire lunch hour trying to figure out where to go, and now you don’t have enough time to go anywhere except the office cafeteria, and all they have left are these shitty, godawful burritos that may or may not be 83% botulism. Fucking Karen, man. Never asking that bitch to lunch again.
Q: On some of the early plays the Packers were able to hit, was there a common theme with you not being able to start as fast as you’d like?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, there was. We made some mistakes, basically on the back end of some of things but that included some of the running game. We’ll get that fixed.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, we dialed up our ‘hey fuck it let’s pay tribute to Leslie Frazier’ defense early, so Green Bay receivers and running backs were galloping like herds of mustangs out west. You ever seen that in real life? Breathtaking.
Q: Did you have clarification on the call that negated Stefon Diggs’ touchdown?
What Zim Tzu said: I think it was a bad call. It got replayed. I still think it was a bad call. The guy was not trying to block anybody. He was trying to get out of the way.
What Zim Tzu meant: The goddamn fucking Saints whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and fucking whined some more, and Roger Goodell just caved like an exasperated parent that just wants their two year old to STOP FUCKING CRYING BILLY I AM SORRY WE ARE OUT OF ANIMAL CRACKERS HERE HAVE A GODDAMN LOLLIPOP JUST STOP I WILL BUY YOU WHATEVER TOY YOU WANT. So he caved, just for 30 fucking seconds of blissful quiet. I hope Drew Brees has to go to a VA hospital to get operated on and he gets gangrene. Fuck that team forever.
Q: Are you satisfied with how it was communicated because Dalvin Cook wasn’t sure the penalty was even on him. You weren’t sure if it was on Dalvin and the league said it was on him. How did the whole process get communicated to you?
What Zim Tzu said: The official on the sideline was talking to me. He kept saying the second guy through. He didn’t say what number. He didn’t say who it was, so I didn’t understand really what he was saying. Technically, he was not the second guy through so, I don’t know.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, the ref said ‘we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing or how we’re supposed to apply this, but the Packers are at home so fuck you, Mike. Sorry.
Q: When the league was looking at all these changes, how much was it talked about that they could go look at a touchdown and discover a penalty later in the process?
What Zim Tzu said: It was talked about. I’m just sitting up there watching some tape right now and there was some offensive pass interferences that they missed in the game that I’m watching. They need to start being more diligent with what they’re doing.
What Zim Tzu meant: When they mentioned it I thought ‘we are so going to get fucked over on this at some point’ and WELL HEE HOO HERE WE ARE.
Q: What are you learning about the mechanics of challenging a play, when you’re going to get the information to challenge a play, and if it’s worth challenging?
What Zim Tzu said: I get pretty good communication. The officials have been good communicating with me. They’ve been really good. He (an official) came up on the interception or something and said, “Don’t throw your flag.” I wasn’t going to, but he said, “Don’t throw your flag, because it’s going to get reviewed anyway.” They’ve been really good about that kind of thing.
What Zim Tzu meant: I’m learning that challenging a play is a crapshoot because even when given evidence on something, or clear lack of evidence on something else, the amount of times I’m gonna get fucked is about the equivalent of a Bangkok whorehouse.
Q: Overall on the penalties, how frustrating is it compared to last year, when you were rarely penalized?
What Zim Tzu said: Very. Undisciplined. I know (Garrett) Bradbury had two, I think (Stefon) Diggs had two, I think (Adam) Thielen had two. They got to start playing within the rules. And they know the rules, it’s their responsibility to do what they’re supposed to do.
What Zim Tzu meant: You ever have teenagers? You tell them ‘don’t do this’ about 100 times, then the second they walk out the door it’s an utter shitshow of fuckery. You shake your head, mutter incoherently to yourself, and pray they really aren’t that stupid as an adult. If they manage to not walk in front of a fucking bus some days, you take the W and proclaim yourself the next Dr. Spock.
Q: What have you said or what did you say to Stefon Diggs about his penalty?
What Zim Tzu said: I’ll keep it to myself what I’ve talked to him about.
What Zim Tzu meant: I murdered Diggsy with old fingernail clippings and buried him at the 50 yard line of our practice field. He’ll be questionable for the Raiders game.
Q: Would you like to see more of an intermediate passing game? What would it take to get that going?
What Zim Tzu said: I think we tried some. We missed the ball to (Stefon) Diggs in the middle. Then the interception, they dropped extra guys out and probably fooled him a little bit, but we tried some of those. They just covered them.
What Zim Tzu meant: Short, intermediate, whatever the fuck works is what I’d like.
Q: Are you considered about the attempt to turn no calls into calls? Are you concerned about what it does to the flow of the game?
What Zim Tzu said: I think maybe they decided that they were going to fix the play in the (2018 NFC) Championship game, and there’s been some unintended consequences from it. That’s how it is. Just got to play by the rules and do what we’re supposed to do.
What Zim Tzu meant: When you appease fucking crybabies, everyone else pays the price. I hope Brees’ arm falls off.
Q: What can Kirk Cousins do to improve within the red zone?
What Zim Tzu said: I think it’s the passing game. That’s where we got to do a better job there. He was high to (Kyle) Rudolph on the one. The guy made a good play on (Stefon) Diggs on the one, and then he’s got to throw the ball away on the other one.
What Zim Tzu meant: Don’t throw a dying fucking quail right into the hands of a defensive back would be a good first step.
Q: Was the throw to Kyle Rudolph a miscommunication?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know that. I don’t know that.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah so for the tight end position this year we’ve rolled out a package we call ‘Sasquatch’, and we’re pretty excited about it. We have the tight end, be it Rudy or Irv Smith, Jr., just disappear to the point people actually wonder whether they even exist in our offense. There have been a couple of grainy photos of our tight ends on the field, and some sketchy video that looks like some pretty fake ass shit to the point you can’t really verify whether the tight end is an actual thing on our team, or just an urban legend.
So yeah, I can neither confirm or deny the existence of the tight end. Let’s go kick the shit out of Oak Vegas.