ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you are a warrior poet, there are many contingencies to prepare for. Supplies, lines of communication, operable equipment for the campaigns to come, plans that need to be disseminated, questions answered...the problems are limitless, the solutions limited. There isn’t enough hours in the day or week to get prepared, and the enemy doesn’t allow you to set an optimal schedule. There is always something to do, one hundred somethings to do at once, and sleep is a theory, a theory you don’t have time for.
At the appointed time and place, you meet your enemy, and you hope that all you’ve instilled in your men—from the training, to the equipment, to The Plan—that it all goes as it should. But Murphy’s First Law of Combat tells us no plan survives first contact with the enemy, so you must trust in your men, regardless the odds, to overcome and conquer. And because of how you’ve prepared, how you’ve prepared your men, you will overcome and conquer. No matter what the odds, no matter what the experts say.
Because you are Zim Tzu, Provost of the Playoffs, Earl of Electricity, Whisperer of Horses, Tyrant of Texas, Scalper of the Capital, True King Of The Jungle, Potentate Of Those Who Eat Feces, The Biggest Apple, Commodore Of Outlaw Sailors, Master Falconer, The Once And Future King In The North, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
Once the world has been shocked, you need to explain how. But as a warrior poet, your words must be measured. They must not convey future plans, lest you give away secrets that future enemies could exploit.
That’s where we here at The Daily Norseman come in.* Warrior poets need someone who can nuance those words and mold them into what a warrior poet really means,** using our superior powers of interpretation and wordsmithing thanks to our recently completed two week correspondence course titled ‘Powers of Interpretation And Wordsmithing.’***
*It’s just me. No one else is dumb enough to partake in this jackassery.
**There are no alternative meanings. Even though the questions and the ‘what he said’ answers are legitimate, the other stuff is just made up bullshit.
***I have no certificate of training, as I don’t know how to read or write, and I wasted all my GI Bill money on a pole dancing class. Practical? No, but it was a hell of a way to meet women.
There was a very brief opening statement from Coach Zimmer this week.
What Zim Tzu said: Go ahead and fire away. Short week.
What Zim Tzu meant: Hurry the fuck up. I’m busy, if you weren’t aware.
Q: How was the plane ride home?
What Zim Tzu said: It was good. Pretty quiet.
What Zim Tzu meant: It made the Love Boat on Minnetonka look like a Missouri Synod greatest hits hymnal. I didn’t know that much cocaine existed, or that you could fit that many hookers on one goddamn plane. Fucking amazing. Step up your game, Smoot.
Q: Andrew Sendejo missed a couple practices last week because of illness and had never really played in the slot. Given all that, what gave you the confidence that he could play the way he did yesterday?
What Zim Tzu said: He’s a smart guy. A lot of similarities with the two positions, so we’ve had a lot of safeties play nickel in the past.
What Zim Tzu meant: He didn’t kill one of our guys. Fucking win-win as far as I’m concerned.
Q: When will you know that the team has moved on from celebrating the New Orleans game and are ready for this game?
What Zim Tzu said: Probably Saturday night. A lot of the guys that are here were here before, and so I feel like they’re a veteran team, they understand. We actually had a couple of guys saying, “Hey, calm down” in the locker room. We got to get ready to go play again. So I’m hopeful that it’s like that.
What Zim Tzu meant: When we’re in the locker room after we’ve kicked the shit out of the 49ers, and not one goddamn minute before. This was cool but winning one, or even two playoff games isn’t fucking good enough.
Q: Is there a challenge to managing workloads and keeping guys fresh in a short week like this one?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes. Yeah, we’ll have to monitor how we do things. It’s a day off, but we had a lot of guys in today getting things done. And then we’ll adjust the schedule a little bit this week.
What Zim Tzu meant: We will sleep when we are fucking dead.
Q: Does the fact that San Francisco runs a similar offense to your own help preparation in a short week?
What Zim Tzu said: Some of the things are similar, but they all have their own wrinkles. But hopefully, yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: Does the fact that my Zim Reaper defense is going to go through San Francisco like a jet ski through water help them? No. Pray for them.
Q: When you see many of the remaining playoff teams running an offense similar to your own, is that a validation of what you’re trying to do scheme-wise?
What Zim Tzu said: Well I was actually up in the defensive room, and I was sitting there trying to remember who is left. And I think there is a lot of running teams that are in there, so yeah, I think it’s different then what a lot of teams are doing. I think it can be effective.
What Zim Tzu meant: My validation comes in February. It started in New Orleans, and it will end in Miami, and not before.
Q: What was your impression of your line play on both sides of the ball?
What Zim Tzu said: It was good. I thought our offensive line played really hard and tough. Defensively, those guys did a really nice job in the running game. That allowed us to do some things in the backend. I thought that Kirk (Cousins) had a lot of time to throw the ball, most of the time. The one sack he took late in the ball game, we actually told him if it’s not there to take a sack so we can keep the clock running. But I thought they did a nice job in the running game for the most part. They got a good, solid defensive line.
What Zim Tzu meant: We fucked them up. The only thing Cam Jordan brought to this game was his big fucking mouth. And we punched him in it.
Q: What do you think about Brian O’Neill’s maturation process throughout this season, and do you think he’s gaining a larger voice in the offensive line room?
What Zim Tzu said: Well number one, I think he’s done a great job this year. He’s got a chance to be a really, really good player if he continues to improve, continues to get stronger and more physical, because he’s smart and he’s tough. Rick Dennison and Andrew Janocko have done a great job with him about changing up sets, not doing the same thing every time. And yeah, I think all those guys in that room kind of communicate amongst themselves pretty good.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, number one, he plays at a level of pissed off that reminds me of a toddler when you’re getting them ready for the day, and all of a sudden the color gray is the worst goddamn thing ever in the history of the world for some random YET VERY IMPORTANT REASON, followed by the fucking socks you pick out, the shoes they loved yesterday are now a goddamn ISIS sleeper cell that needs to be thrown across the room and fucking killed, and also just fuck off with this cereal. Toast? FUCK OFF! HOW ABOUT SOME GODDAMN EGGS YOU BIPOLAR LITTLE SHIT?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOUR EGGS I WANT MOM!! SORRY TIMMY MOMMY KNEW BETTER AND GOT THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AT FIVE FOR WORK SO PUT ON YOUR GRAY SHIRT WHILE YOU LOOK AT THE GRAY PAINT ON THE WALL AND EAT YOUR GODDAMN TOAST WHICH I SWEAR TO GOD IS GETTING A COAT OF PRISON GRAY GLIDDEN ON IT IF YOU DON’T UNFUCK YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!
I like the kid. He’s good.
Q: What stands out to you about how aggressive Kevin Stefanski was in overtime, especially with the deep throw to Adam Thielen?
What Zim Tzu said: Well we thought we had a chance on some of those shot plays, and we didn’t get them off earlier in the ballgame. But we continue to look for them. It’s just part of the offense, and we’re going to try and get some of those shots in there. Like I said last night, when you get in overtime you’re trying to win the game. It’s not like we want to play two more quarters or something like that.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well to be honest, as much as I would have liked to go further into a shell and play double, even triple overtime, when we got the ball I told Kevin ‘Hey Kev, you probably got a couple job interviews this week, so go to the ‘Fuck This, Just End The Game’ chapter of the playbook. Let’s get out of here and break the hearts of these 66,000 fuckers again.
Q: Aside from having Dalvin Cook available, what did you notice about the team in terms of rising to the occasion in this game as opposed to the performance against Green Bay in Week 16?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. I thought we were ready to play against Green Bay. We obviously didn’t play as well as we needed to. You never really know, but we went out and we fought pretty hard last night or yesterday, whenever it was.
What Zim Tzu meant: Having Dalvin Cook available.
Q: How often do old-school tactics of running the football and playing good defense win in the postseason?
What Zim Tzu said: They’re all different. If you get out in the elements, then you pretty much have to play good defense and be able to run the football. I think it shouldn’t be too bad when we go to San Francisco, but we’ll see.
What Zim Tzu meant: Worked pretty fuckin’ good in New Orleans. Gonna work pretty fuckin’ good in Santa Clara.
Q: What was it like to give Kirk Cousins the game ball after the game?
What Zim Tzu said: It was just about him solidifying himself with all of the bad rhetoric that he gets all the time about this or that. I just felt like it was time to tell a lot of people that he’s our guy and he did it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Did you ever have. or currently have a kid in school that’s playing sports, or in the band, or something extracurricular? And they’re pretty good at it, but whenever there’s a big moment, like a concert or game, they struggle? And they practice hard, and they work at it, and they struggle again, and again? And they say it’s not bugging them, but you know inside it’s killing them, and you want them to succeed, just once, because once they get over it, they’re gonna be great, you just know it. AND THEN IT HAPPENS! And you’re happier than your kid is, because you know the hard work and effort they put into it. Yeah...it was like that.
Q: Logistically, how tough of a turn is it considering the emotional win and the travel in a short week?
What Zim Tzu said: It is. I’m not saying it’s not. It’s similar to playing a Monday night game and then you have to get ready for a Sunday game. Obviously, we’re going out to the West Coast, so that’ll be a little bit different, but, hey, it’s playoff time. It’s big boy football now.
What Zim Tzu meant: We will sleep in February or when we are dead. No time for crybabies.
Q: Usually when you win the opening coin toss, you defer to the second half. Why didn’t you do that yesterday? Where you looking to send a message?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I felt like let’s take the ball, let’s go score.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was time to unleash the Kraken. Then we fumbled. THEN we unleashed the Kraken.
Q: Do you find yourself with an advantage when playing defenses that are built to defend spread offenses?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I guess. The one thing about when you have two backs in the game, for instance like C.J. (Ham) or these guys, they have the same basic thing, they put the fullback out wide and now they open up the formation and they try to get a matchup with a corner on a linebacker. Really, might be in two backs or backs in protections, now it’s one back and it’s zone read, could be whatever, so there’s a lot of variables to it where you can move players and different positions. It all kind of started way back with Bill Walsh in San Francisco and Mike Shanahan and now Kyle (Shanahan) and Gary (Kubiak) and these guys.
What Zim Tzu meant: I find myself with an advantage against every offense I play. Except maybe Lamar Jackson. That fuckin’ dude is good. Do us a solid, Tennessee, okay?