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The Pro Bowl Is Decadent And Depraved

A couple of days ago I attended the Pro Bowl. What happened afterwards was far more enjoyable.

2024 NFL Pro Bowl Games Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

The night before the Pro Bowl, I worked a closing shift at Pizza Hut, and I didn’t get home until 4:18 in the morning. I hadn’t even bought my tickets up to this point, and I could’ve opted to skip the festivities altogether. Despite the fact that I was absolutely fatigued and in a borderline manic mental state, I convinced myself that this would be the last time an event like the Pro Bowl would be hosted locally for quite some time. So I dropped $40 on some upper level tickets, set my alarm for 10am, took my meds, and went to bed.

It’s 10am, the alarm goes off. I took one look at my phone and decided to turn off the alarm and sleep in for a few more hours. I woke up at noon and left at 1PM, just two hours before the games were set to begin. Our three person household only has one car and a 150cc moped. The rest of my family had work that day so I was stuck with the moped. There’s two reasons why riding the moped was less than ideal, the first is because it maxes out at 50mph and the only way to Camping World Stadium is via I-4. I was stuck in the right lane as cars blew past me, frequently blaring their horns because I’m going so slow. Another reason why the commute sucked is because it was a very windy day. The wind isn’t a huge factor driving a car, but riding a moped on a windy day is treacherous and at times downright terrifying. The wind gusts had the moped swaying left and right as I did everything in my power to stay in my lane.

After successfully not dying on I-4, I soon arrived at the Pro Bowl. Upon arrival, I did what everyone does when they first get to a stadium. Passed through security, Scanned my ticket, went up the escalators, and scurried off to my seat. I got myself situated, and I went around to explore. Ended up finding this area of the stadium concourse that had a really nice view of the Orlando skyline. No one was really around, so I stealthily ingested a 600 mg THC edible. I thought to myself this would be the closest I would get to being like Hunter S. Thompson doing drugs at the Kentucky Derby – except it’s the Pro Bowl. I figured it would enhance my overall experience and make the Pro Bowl enjoyable in some way.

It didn’t. No matter how intoxicated I got, it didn’t change the fact that the Pro Bowl is a boring drag of an event that nobody cares about. What the edible did do, was give me the munchies. It didn’t take too long for me to crave food. Now to be fair, I was already hungry when I arrived at the stadium. My immediate desire to eat cannot be directly attributed to the edible. That being said, being high certainly enhanced the experience. I chowed down on a glizzy and some popcorn and I made sure to stay hydrated with a bottle of water and some Coors Light.

The highlight of the Pro Bowl was watching Jalen Hurts suck ass. I did nothing to hide the fact that I despise the Eagles, and openly mocked Hurts’ struggles in the most meaningless game ever. Beyond that though, absolutely nothing happened that’s worth talking about. C.J. Ham and Andrew DePaola had brief moments on the video board, and Danielle Hunter helped pull something in a challenge. 90 minutes after arriving, I decided to leave the Pro Bowl. There was nothing of value this event could provide. It was so boring that I couldn’t even enjoy it while intoxicated.

On my way home, I stopped by White Castle to get some sliders. I felt like the day would be incomplete without visiting the ultimate stoner fast food chain. I also went to a nearby Portillo’s and ordered a lemon cake shake. The munchies were in full-effect here. I wasn’t hungry by any means, I just needed to satisfy my taste buds. This was the most enjoyable part of the day. Not the Pro Bowl, but eating White Castle Sliders and downing a cake shake. Once I got home, I immediately went into a food coma. At that moment I reached peak happiness. My only regret is that I could’ve saved the $40 and used it to buy more sliders.